Perhaps you remember at Christmas time I revealed that I have a very rare talent. Some might call it a gift. Others, the more incredulous, call it a cheap party trick, but I have yet to meet anyone who can do what I do. I am a Christmas Tree Prognosticator. It’s sort of like reading palms. I can tell a lot about a person’s life and personality by their Christmas tree.
Word of my special gift has spread far and wide. I was even asked to do an interview for a radio station in Winnipeg, where I prognosticated my little heart out for the Canadians. Now I can add, “Big in Manitoba,” to my résumé.
This gem of a talent trickles into the warmer months too. Like most people who possess a rare talent, I can’t give it up for free. A girl has to eat, ya know? But, I’m not selfish, so here’s a sample.
“What do your yard ornaments say about you?”
The Flamingo
If you have a flamingo in your yard, you are expressing to the universe, “I’d rather be somewhere tropical.” It wouldn’t be too far out of the realm of possibility to believe that you also have a collection of Hawaiian shirts.
In addition, flamingo people are patient. Like the flamingo that can stand comfortably for long periods of time on one foot, flamingo ornament owners can stand a lot, too. Flamingo people make good neighbors, because they won’t curse your name under their breath, or otherwise, when your Chihuahua with the Napoleonic complex barks at the other dogs taking their morning stroll through the neighborhood park.
The Frog
If you have a frog ornament in your yard you believe in the possibility of change. Just like the princess kisses the frog in the end of a fairytale, a frog ornament owner believes that things can change on a dime for the better. They believe that everything, even bumpy, slimy, ill-mannered amphibians that pee in your hand when you pick them up have their own beauty that deserves to be appreciated. Speaking of beauty…
The Gazing Ball
If you have a gazing ball in your yard, you are as vain as the day is long. But, just because you are vain, doesn’t mean you are all bad.
Oh no, in fact gazing ball owners believe in multiplying beauty. In fact, they may be the type of person that would help a neighbor with weeding, watering or garden tips, as long as it doesn’t interfere with their gazing.
The Garden Gnome
Garden gnome owners suffer from wanderlust. They are campers, hikers, sailors, and frequent fliers. They don’t believe in staying in one place for too long and perhaps have moved that gnome like a gypsy from garden to garden as they moved from house to house.
Garden Gnome owners also believe in magic. That gnome is more than just an ornament to them. It is a mythical creature that has a personality, a life, and a voice. They imagine their gnome taking little adventures when they’re not looking. They believe that even little things can make big things happen.
The Whisky Barrel
Whisky barrel owners reflect with fondness on a simpler past. They keep things around that remind them of that. They are recyclers and don’t like to waste anything. Whisky Barrel owners most likely have a windmill ornament in their yard, also. This prognosticator has no explanation for why the whisky barrel and the windmill go together, but they do.
If you are one of those people that have two or more of these items in your yard, there is a medication for that: It’s called Cantmakeupmymindopren.
That’s it. That’s all you get for your free sample. How did I do? Eerily close, eh? If you want a full Yard Ornament Prognostication, you’ll have to invite me to your BBQ. A girl has to eat, ya know?
2006
2010
