Saturday, December 12, 2009

What does your Christmas tree say about you?

I have a rare talent. Some might call it a gift. Others, the more incredulous, call it a cheap party trick, but I have yet to meet anyone who can do what I do. I am a Christmas Tree Prognosticator. It’s sort of like reading palms. I can tell a lot about a person’s life and personality by their Christmas tree. Here’s a free sample:
Artificial or real
There are two types of people: Real Christmas tree people and artificial tree people. One is not better than the other, just different.
If you are a person who likes real trees you probably like the outdoors. You enjoy creating an ambience that invokes smell as well as sight. Real tree people feel that the experience of searching it out, chopping it down and dragging it back to the old homestead is all part of the fun.
If you like artificial trees, you like an investment that lasts. You want something pretty, but don’t want to make a lot of fuss. Artificial tree owners can also be perfectionists. They don’t like to deal with gaps in the branches or dropping needles of a real tree.
White lights or multi-colored lights
If you have white lights on your tree, you think of each light as a tiny star. White light people like simplicity. White lights convey the serenity of an “Oh, Holy Night.”
Conversely, multi-colored lights say, “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.” People who like multi-colored lights are party people. They like the festive feeling of multi-colored lights because it reminds them of a disco or Las Vegas. To them, the holidays are one big party and everyone is invited. And it wouldn’t be too far out of the realm of possibility that when the holiday party rolls around, they might even don a strand of multi-colored lights like it was gay apparel!
Matching or eclectic ornaments
If you have a tree with an eclectic assortment of ornaments, each one having a special meaning or story, you value your past and family history. Perhaps it’s the clothespin reindeer your first-born made in kindergarten or the delicate snowflake that Grandma crocheted. Each one is different, each one is special, they may not match, but it doesn’t matter to you.
The decoration of an eclectic tree is often a group effort. Some will hang the ornaments; others will string popcorn and cranberries together. Even the littlest elves in the house will take part in decorating the eclectic tree.
A matchy-matchy ornament tree is usually a one-woman (or man)-show; a person with a vision of what a perfectly coifed tree should look like. Matchy-matchy ornament people like order and consistency. They usually have a theme for their Christmas tree. Like Victorian, Old World, or country. For the matchy-matchy ornament people, the tree is the crowning glory, the pièce de résistance, of all the Christmas decorations.
Angel or star
Angel people believe in a higher power guiding their lives and directing their path. Angel people might have, at some point, imagined what it would have been like to be in that choir, as told of old, that sang to shepherds guarding their flocks by night that a babe was born in Bethlehem.
Star people are the hopefuls, the ones that hope for a better, brighter tomorrow. They are sign seekers. They lead their lives by, the sometimes imperceptible, directional arrows. Star people will follow that little nudge inside of them that says, “Take cookies to your neighbor (peanut butter cookies with the chocolate kisses on top),” or “slip a twenty into the bell ringer’s red bucket.”
That’s it. That’s all you get for your free sample. How did I do? Eerily close, eh? If you want a full Christmas Tree Prognostication, you’ll have to invite me to your holiday party. Don’t worry, I work cheap. You can pay me in cookies (peanut butter cookies with the chocolate kisses on top).


  1. Great article on Christmas trees you always come thru for your biggest fans (and I mean biggest): Mom and Dad!

  2. i'd like to book the Christmas Tree Prognosticator for next year.
    thank you.
    i call 3rd friday december 2010.

  3. What does it say about me if I have a float plane donning the top of my tree?

  4. Pedaling - I'm there!

    So Dak - It says that you choose to fly above the stress of the holiday season and focus on what's really important: Family, memories, and togetherness.

  5. Who knew that this would be one of my more popular columns? Tootin' my own horn here, but I've been the most popular story at for 24+ hours!

  6. I have an angel bear as my tree topper. I stitched it on plastic canvas.

  7. Sooooooo . . . . . . I have two trees. One with white lights and matching ornaments. I am the only one to tie the bows on because the kids don't "get it" but they help me put all the ornaments on. Our only rule is don't put the matching ones too close together.

    The multi colored tree has a modge podge of great ornaments. Some reflect travel. I get an ornament when we travel. There are kid made ornaments and fun Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer collectibles (from the cartoon movie). Lots of Grinch ones, cause we love the Grinch around here. The kids like to put this up themselves.

    I did decorate a tree all by myself once, you know to get that picture perfect tree, but I didn't like it as well and it lacked that family love feel.

    Would your diagnosis be that I am crazy?

  8. I won't ask for a diagnosis because I KNOW I'M CRAZY.

    You did a great job on the radio last night. Thanks for saying hello.

    Hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

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  10. We live in Ghana, have no little kids around anymore, no Christmas spirit, no pressure, no snow.

    Our tree this year is made of black iron with 10 Ghanaian made glass stars hanging from ribbons. There is space for tea lights at the end of each branch, but doubtful they'll be lit. We're going to the beach for Christmas. :)


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